I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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