I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
