I'm drive I can fine osifer
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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