new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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