I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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