So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
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He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
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