Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
