i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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