Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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