That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
