the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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