You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
