I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
