im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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