Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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