youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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