Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Sober January is a disaster.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
