wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
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