I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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