If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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