He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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