4 words: hood of his car
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
