fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Me too!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
