He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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