I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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