drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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