I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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