So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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