my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
