i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
