Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
