She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
