: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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