There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
