i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
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he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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