Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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