Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
