fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
