We're like a lot better than the average bears
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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