I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
