Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
