Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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