I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
