this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
