i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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