Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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