i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
should my penis look like a turkey
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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