My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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