I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
