Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She even gives head with a lisp.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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