ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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