There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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