I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
