Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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