I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
