The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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