did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
