Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
