Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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