I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
